Is my marriage a mistake?

There comes a moment in all relationships when you lie in bed, look at the person next to you and think it’s all a dreadful mistake, says family therapist Terrence Real. But do we blame the other person, or do we look at ourselves?

‘It’s an open secret of [our] culture that disillusionment exists.

I speak about “normal marital hatred”. Not one person has ever asked what I mean by that. It’s extremely raw,’ says Real.

Research has found that falling in love is similar to a cocaine high—and like a drug, the high doesn’t last. During infatuation, we focus on our similarities. But once we come down from that high, we begin to notice our vast differences, and this is when we become disillusioned.

In our rom-com culture, we often assume that we’re with the wrong person. We blame our partner for our unhappiness.

We think, ‘If I just met the right person … ’

So, what to do when the initial attraction sours? ‘I call it the first day of your real marriage,’ says Real. It’s not a sign that you’ve chosen the wrong partner. It is the signal to grow as an individual—and to take responsibility for yourself.

Along with many other researchers and clinicians, author of Everybody Marries the Wrong Person, Christine Meinecke, suggests a new marital paradigm—what she calls ‘the self-responsible spouse’: ‘Rather than look at the other person, you need to look at yourself and ask, “Why am I suddenly so unhappy and what do I need to do?” It’s not likely a defect in your partner.’

The exception to this is when your partner is incapable of sharing life with you—such as an addict or abusive spouse.

But it is empowering to realise you can take responsibility for your happiness—in this case, it may require reflecting on whether you should stay together.

But in mature love between two equal partners, says Meinecke, ‘We do not look to our partner to provide our happiness, and we don’t blame them for our unhappiness. We take responsibility for the expectations that we carry, for our own negative emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark moods.’

Being ‘incompatible’ or ‘growing apart’ are not reasons for a marriage to breakdown—differences and similarities are simply part of sharing your life with another person. No one is going to get all their needs met in their partner. Instead, we need to develop a deep acceptance of the person that we have chosen, just like they need to accept us with all our faults and foibles.

Making a Marriage Last

1. Accept your differences: If you view differences with resentment, it’s going to hurt over and over again. Instead, meet differences with acceptance.
2. Enjoy your own thing: It’s healthy and positive to have your own interests, and have the freedom to pursue these separately.
3. Take an interest in each other: It’s equally important to come back together and share your experiences. Psychologists call this ‘turning towards’ each other, and it keeps your relationship at the centre. What you don’t want to do is begin living separate lives.
4. Let go of the fantasy: In order to embrace the relationship you have, let go of the fantasy of the relationship you expected to have.

Source: Rebecca Webber, ‘Are You With The Right Mate?’, Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com

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