The 'one anothers' to combat loneliness

With the holidays coming up, loneliness for many people can loom large. Our WM author Tracy explores the effects of rejection on our past, present and future and ways that we can live out the 'one anothers' of the Bible so we don't feel so alone.

'If I feel lonely as a Christian, does that mean my relationship with God is somehow not as complete as it could be?'

'Have I not given enough of myself to Him, or is He holding back from helping me feel whole?'

'If my relationship with God is what it should be, why do I feel so lonely?'

Have you ever had thoughts like these?

There are many reasons why people feel lonely. Even when a person has a strong relationship with God, they may still feel lonely - I know I have.

Loneliness isn't caused by being alone or a lack of friends - it can also be a symptom of depression, can be caused by a history of rejection or result from low self esteem. It could come from the pain of losing a loved one, spring up from others' lack of love or simmer because of a spouse's lack of affection. Past rejection can cause anxious feelings about connecting with others - either obsessing over a particular person, or the fear of missing out with a group of people.

This sense of intense disconnection can result in heightened negative emotions. It can cause someone who is already feeling low to blame others for perceived unfriendliness. Often, it causes social cues to become skewed and misinterpreted - the spirit of rejection can twist every situation into one of distress and doubt.

I'm just feeling always rejected

Rejection and loneliness can go hand in hand.

Rejection is a guttural, awful feeling. Every person will have experienced some form of rejection at some point in their lives - that's normal. But when we don't deal healthily with rejection, but choose instead to stuff the feelings down - we open ourselves up to spirit of rejection.

This is a type of pervasive mood or spirit that seems to hang around and cloud our judgement - making us miserable by distorting everything through a negative, self-hating filter. You might read messages, texts or letters and feel like there is a different conversation happening under the surface. Seemingly innocent statements become social battlegrounds.

'Do they like me?', 'Are they talking about me?', 'I bet they don't want me here anyway!'

Even personal, one-to-one conversations can get complicated. Body language and verbal cues make conversations easier to decipher, but sometimes we can read too much into an eye roll or someone looking somewhere else mid-conversation. Rejection makes a person isolate themselves because they're receiving messages like 'You aren't accepted'. 

Do you feel like you are doing everything to make friends and belong, but no one is responding?

If you do, you might be feeling perpetually rejected. Normal situations like adjusting to a new environment and integrating into a new social network can become a trial of intense pain and self-sabotage. Extreme negative emotions, insecurity, accusations and self-pity might begin to show themselves in a rejected person's heart - and unfortunately, these symptoms only cause others to pull away more.

I shouldn't feel like this, surely?

'But as a Christian... these feelings shouldn't be there, right?'

For me, loneliness resulted from years of teasing from peers because I was a little different. I had glasses, I was introverted and shy and I was often the new girl.

I felt rejected. And instead of processing this through the lens of self-worth and framing the circumstances in perspective, I buried those feelings of rejection deep down. This made me a person who bore a spirit of rejection. My mindset become one of negative words and perceptions, one that told me hateful things about myself.

'You're not good enough', 'You are too different', 'You aren't worth having as a friend.'

Those feelings intensified in the last few years to include anxiety, when I'm not feeling secure in a friendship. I am learning more about myself and the spirit of rejection - and hope to be able to tell you all about my journey to wellness as time goes on!

'But God should have just miraculously and instantly healed my past and made me mentally well, right?'

No!

While God no doubt can and does miraculously heal people, God also has great physical, professional outlets for helping us process trauma and change. My past had to be dealt with by counseling. I needed to forgive and I needed to change my mindset - reading Scripture helped that too. It's an ongoing battle, and I know that God will help me on the journey to mental and emotional wholeness with Him.

The 'one anothers'

God wants us to live in community. God wants for you and I to be healthy and whole. Check out the following 'one another' practises found in Scripture:

• Love one another. John 13:34,35; 15:12,17; Romans 13:8, 1 Thessalonians 4:9, 1 John 3:11,23, 4:7,11,12; 2 John 1:5
• Live in harmony with one another. Romans 12:16
• Don't pass judgement on one another. Romans 14:13
• Accept one another. Romans 15:7
• Serve one another in love. Galatians 5:13
• Carry one other’s burdens. Galatians 6:2
• Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2, Colossians 3:13
• Forgive one another. Colossians 3:13
• Encourage one another. 1 Thessalonians 4:18, 5:11; Hebrews  3:13, 10:25
• Build each other up. 1 Thessalonians 5:11
• Spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Hebrews 10:24
• Pray for each other. James 5:16
• Love one another deeply, from the heart. 1 Peter 3:8, 4:8

It starts with loving each other and ends with loving each other. Is God trying to tell us something here?

Simple steps for wholeness

Here are four simple bases I have found are good to address when you are feeling rejected or lonely:

A solid community: It is so important to have cheerleaders and mentors around us who understand our personality, our struggles, our hopes and goals and journey with us unconditionally! God said, 'It is not good for man to be alone.' (Genesis 2:18). Because we're created in God's image, we are made for deep and meaningful relationships. God longs to dwell with us, and when we connect to other believers, the Spirit of God is encompassing us and is within each one… we are truly one family. Churches can be a great place to safely open up and build good boundaries.

Meditation for holy solitude: We also need to learn the spiritual discipline of being in solitude with God. You can never be alone, when you're with God, and we need to learn to take that feeling with us wherever we go. Don't just keep God's presence for your prayer time - bring Him with you throughout the day! Feel His presence continually. Hear Him saying, 'You are my beloved' and receive the love of God by faith.

A growing faith: I believe we need to become secure in our relationship with God. We need to read Scripture that reinforces who we are, in Him. We are His precious sons and daughters - the apple of His eye - and He loves us sooooo much that He sent His Son to die an excruciating death and be raised again - all to enable us to have a relationship with Him. That is love!

Confidence in our identity: We need to put our confidence in God and base our identity on who He says we are. We can't let anyone else have control of our happiness. We can't rely on a friend to feed our need to feel good about ourselves, because no matter how sweet they are, friends and sisters and brothers in the Lord may let us down eventually - but God never does.

'Jesus answered and said to him, If anyone loves Me, they will keep My Word, and My Father shall love them. And We will come to them and will make a dwelling place with them.' - John 14:23

A prayer for wellness

If someone you know speaks about feeling lonely - be a friend. Practice the 'one anothers'. Encourage that person to seek counseling - even offer to go with them to their first meeting. Pray for them continually. If you are feeling lonely or rejected today, will you accept this prayer that we will pray over you together:

Dear God,

Sometimes I feel lonely and rejected. I don't know if I can see the good things you have for me and I sometimes don't feel seen or heard. I know you love me, and I want to know you love me. Please show your loving care to me today, and draw someone into my life who will reflect the love of your crucified and risen Son Jesus, because He is victory and hope to me.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

If you are feeling lonely or stirred by something you have read or feel and need some prayer - please feel free to send a prayer request through to us here. If you would like it to be anonymous and not replied to, just write Anonymous in the subject line.

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By Tracy Andrews

WM Author