Finding love online

I met my husband the old-fashioned way: we wrote emails.

But now you can find love in every corner of the online community. In my small circle, I have friends who have met through online dating sites, by ‘friending’ a friend-of-a-friend on Facebook, and on common interest forums. I once interviewed Yuri Ruley from punk band MxPx, who met his wife on one of their fan sites (her wildest dreams came true!).

Arguably, the biggest dating site in the world is Facebook. If you meet someone you fancy in real life, you ‘friend’ them the next day. And checking out their profile is a chance to find out their interests, get an idea of their character, and decide whether you want to get to know them more. It’s almost like a first date! If you are single and wanting to find love, it’s a great idea to be on Facebook.

But the online community is something we need to navigate wisely. It’s surprisingly easy to get a crush on someone just by messaging a few times. If they tell a couple of funny jokes or seem to have the same interests as you, they can seem like a perfect match. But how can you tell whether they are loud, quiet, shy, moody or obnoxious? At best, meeting someone online gives you a glimpse into who they are, but it’s easy for your feelings to run ahead of your friendship.

For that reason, it’s best to keep your online relationship short. Move on to Skyping and talking on the phone. Ensure that they are genuine, safe, and who they say they are. Talk to your friends and family, and listen to their opinion. If possible, talk to their friends too (it’s best if you have mutual friends). 

And if you can, meet in person after just a few conversations. When you bond with someone online, you then have to re-bond with them when you meet in real life. You will probably feel like you’re getting to know them all over again. The more intimacy you’ve developed before you meet, the greater the gap there is to bridge in real life.

So keep it real—make sure you are both being genuine about your values and who you are, and don’t be tempted to embellish your life. You want them to get to know the real you, not just the Facebook version of you.

It’s not advisable to make your relationship official before you have met in real life, as your commitment will be far deeper than your actual relationship. Keep things at a friendship level until you are able to get to know each other in person. This may mean you have to put up boundaries around how often you talk, or what you talk about. It can be hard, but ultimately, it will protect your heart until the right time.

The good news is that the online community can be a great way to meet people. It can be a chance to get to know each other based on common values and interests, rather than just attraction. Guard your heart, maintain your integrity, use your wisdom—and enjoy getting to know each other.

By Ingrid Barratt (abridged from War Cry 4 May 2013, p10)