Getting emotional

Che Cormack of The Salvation Army in Napier spent time in prison for drug dealing, where he learnt that his drug abuse was driven by his inability to process difficult emotions. Che shares ideas about building a healthy emotional life.

Whoa, don’t get so emotional!’ ‘Emotional’ is so often used as a derogatory description when applied to men by other men. Yet one of the men I most look up to in life is very emotional, and I envy him.

When something great happens, this guy gets excited. He yips and yells, laughs and pumps his fist. But I believe my friend couldn’t celebrate and feel happy, if he didn’t also know how to feel sad and express his sadness.

We New Zealanders—males especially—are typically very laid back and muted in our expression of emotion. Those of us who do show emotion are often made fun of, so we slowly train ourselves out of ‘feeling’.

Similarly, when children feel anger, they act out aggressively and are scolded. This can lead them to attach feelings of shame to their anger, instead of to the inappropriate action they chose to respond with. For instance, they’re told, ‘Don’t be angry with your sister’, instead of ‘When you’re angry, don’t hit your sister’, or ‘When you’re angry … come and talk to Daddy about it.’ Christianity can add another layer of guilt when people quote Matthew 5:22, ‘But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment.’ We forget that Jesus often felt and expressed anger toward others, but in a healthy way. Jesus is our model and we are to follow his example, not just snippets of Scripture.

Many men reach maturity having supressed their emotions and are barely able to register emotions except at the highest intensity. Sadness and anger seem to be the only emotions strong enough to trigger a response, one that is often unproductive, negative and hurtful to others. We are also prone to soothe these high intensity emotions with drugs, alcohol, food, TV and anything else able to take us out of the moment. Many of us are left either expressing emotions in hurtful ways, or hurting ourselves to escape our emotions. We need to learn how to be emotionally healthy, if not for ourselves, then to model a healthier emotional life to our children.

We are always experiencing emotions. They are linked to our thought processes. There are no good or bad emotions; only emotions we are comfortable with, and those we are uncomfortable with and find difficult to manage. In fact, all emotions are good, because God created them within us. But registering and expressing our emotions are skills we may need to practice.

Notice that I said register and express. It’s a two-step process. First: notice, recognise, name and link an emotion to a thought or situation. Secondly: choose a positive, healthy and godly way to express or act on that emotion. Two very difficult steps when you’ve had little practice, so let’s start your training now...

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by Che Cormack(c) 'War Cry' magazine, 6 September 2014, pp10.
You can read 'War Cry' at your nearest Salvation Army church or centre, or subscribe through Salvationist Resources.