Life is like a jigsaw

The pieces may seem bizarre, but together they make a beautiful picture. That’s how Theuns and Tania Henning describe the portrait of their life, from a farm in rural South Africa to making a new life in New Zealand. When they became parents to a child with autism, it added a colourful new piece to the jigsaw.

In their book Making Sense of the Jigsaw Puzzle, Theuns and Tania Henning tell the story of their son, Reuben. It is an account of autism, but the real story is about a child who is an ‘intentional part of God’s creation,’ says Theuns.  

‘I have come to the stage when if I say I truly believe that God loves me above anything else, that means if something negative happens in my life, there has to be a very significant purpose behind it.’

Beginning the puzzle

The first piece of the puzzle began when Theuns was a child, growing up on a farm in the Orange Freestate at the heart of South Africa. With an English-speaking population of only two per cent, Theuns grew up speaking Afrikaans and Southern Sotho. It was an unlikely preparation for living in an English-speaking country, let alone writing a book in his third language, jokes Theuns.

It was at university that Theuns fell in love with his childhood friend Tania. Their parents were good friends, so Theuns had known Tania since she was eight, when he was a much older and wiser 11-year-old. But it was at university their friendship blossomed into romance.

The couple got married after Theuns completed his compulsory military training in the air force. They enjoyed their early married life, using work opportunities and holidays to travel extensively during their first seven years of marriage. During this time, they went through a number of seemingly random life and work experiences that did not make sense at the time. ‘Yet, looking back today, the Creator was busy preparing us for something unique,’ reflects Theuns.

Making a new life

Theuns and Tania came to New Zealand on an O.E. with the intention of furthering their studies—Theuns in civil engineering and Tania in psychology. But the couple found themselves not wanting to leave. They connected with the tolerance for different cultures, and were inspired by the freedom they found in New Zealand.

Theuns and Tania dreamed of starting their own family in New Zealand. And so began another piece of the puzzle: a five-year battle with infertility. Although Theuns had achieved his career dreams, working as a lecturer at the University of Auckland as well as running his own civil engineering practice, this was a time of waiting, praying and disappointment. During this period, Tania found herself volunteering at a school for children with special needs.

Then came the joyful news that Tania was pregnant. ‘I had achieved what I wanted to in my career and was longing for a child,’ Theuns recalls. ‘But it was also a time of significant spiritual growth. So when our child came along, it was such a gift from Heaven and we couldn’t believe it. We treasured him from day one.’

‘I could not believe how lucky I was to have a son like Reuben,’ writes Theuns in their book. ‘His energy, radiance, and eagerness to learn were more than any dad could have asked for. We were able to connect at a level that I never thought would be possible.’ They took pride in how advanced Reuben was, able to put puzzles together before the age of two.

At the same time, the couple experienced difficulties that would put a strain on any parent—Reuben didn’t sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time, and he suffered constant reflux and infections.

The darkest hour

Tania, with her psychology background, began to have concerns about Reuben’s development, but kept these fears to herself. For Theuns, it wasn’t until he went to Canada to visit his brother and met his nephew for the first time—who was the same age as Reuben—that fears crept in. Although in many ways Reuben was more advanced, Theuns noticed his nephew was more able to connect with people.

Tania remembers that when Theuns returned from Canada, he said, ‘I think there is something seriously wrong with Reuben.’ The floodgates opened and Tania cried and explained to Theuns all she knew about autism.

At the age of two-and-a-half, Reuben was diagnosed with severe Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), and his parents were told he would never talk. Theuns describes it as the darkest time of his life. But even in that moment, he sensed God’s greater purpose.

‘I often look back on my path and the doors God closed that didn’t make sense at the time. There were so many things that made me ask, “Why did this happen, God?” But in the end, it was the best for me. So in the dark, dark moment of utter disappointment and shock, I had a sense that many pieces of the jigsaw were falling into place.’

Previous experiences seemed to be preparing them for this moment. Tania’s work with special needs children suddenly made sense, and it was her knowledge that often kept them going through the gruelling task of teaching Reuben.

Later, when they were bogged down with funding applications for Reuben, another piece of the jigsaw fell into place: after nervously lodging their application for school funding, it came back approved and signed by the former principal of the school Tania volunteered for. They had no idea he was now responsible for government funding. ‘I’m a statistician and if I reflect on the odds of that happening, they are phenomenal!’ says Theuns.

The new normal

While they were still in the haze of grief, Tania found out that she was pregnant again—with a girl they named Mia. Although it came at the most difficult time of their life, Mia became a ray of sunshine that brought them a sense of fun. ‘Mia was God-sent. She is that glimpse of normality when we need it,’ says Theuns, with quiet emotion. ‘When it is all getting too much, I can just hold her for a few seconds and that’s all I need to keep going.’

Mia also adored her older brother. For the family, the rhythm of life eventually settled into a new kind of normal. ‘Things started to get better for me when I decided that my primary role in Reuben’s life is to be his dad, not his teacher. I’m the fun guy and I can teach him stuff,  but through games. He has the professionals, [but] he needs parents.

‘You have to get to the point where the child comes first. The disorder is not who he is; it is part of him, but it is not him.’

In their book, there are glimpses of the everyday challenges they face as a family: Reuben doesn’t sleep well at night, so someone has to be up with him. There are tantrums, because regulating emotion is extremely difficult, and they’ve had to learn creative ways to prepare Reuben for any change in routine.

There were also the friends who told the couple that they didn’t want their children playing with Reuben anymore, in case they picked up his behaviour. But now they have found deep friendships—friends who will be there for them even when plans change at the last minute. Theuns says the book is partly a ‘thank you’ to the many people in their lives that have helped them raise Reuben. ‘They say it takes a village to raise a child, and when you have one of these special ones, it takes a whole country,’ he jokes.

Theuns hopes that their book will encourage other parents and create a better understanding of the children behind the ASD label. The aim is to encourage parents—whatever their situation—that God has a plan and purpose for their child. Rather than labelling autism as ‘abnormal’, Theuns prefers the term ‘neuro-atypical’: the autistic brain functions in a different way from people with ‘neuro-typical’ brains. Many people with ASD are highly skilled in certain areas and have excellent literal minds, but have difficulty with abstract thought and emotions. In fact, experts believe some of the world’s greatest minds—like Wolfgang Mozart and Lewis Carroll—were most likely on the ASD spectrum.

What lies ahead

‘I will never stop praying,’ says Theuns, and even though he hasn’t yet seen the big miracle, there have been small miracles along the way. Now eight, Reuben has limited speech, but reads surprisingly well. ‘He has made huge progress that I never thought possible,’ says Theuns. They even took a three-month trip to the United States as a family, where Reuben had the time of his life visiting Disneyland.

But they have learnt to take life one day, and one challenge, at a time. ‘I’ve learnt the mountain is too high, so I don’t even look up. I face today’s challenges, and I leave tomorrow to the Lord. I just have to completely have faith for Reuben’s future.’

Available from Amazon or the bookstore at www.westbowpress.com

Five things an autistic person wants you to know

• ‘Autism is a neurological variation, not a disease, or mental illness. My behaviours and learning styles might vary. My perceptions may differ. Please do not judge me or other autistics for our differences.’ 
• ‘Focus on the positives of my autism. I am living my life as best as I can, I want to make the most of it every day. Please do not use language that suggests that being autistic is bad.’
• ‘I am a logical thinker and that is one of my strengths. It can cause me to take words literally, or misunderstand jokes. Also, I may be equally misunderstood by others, if they do not understand my logical style. I do have my own sense of humour that is unique to me—it’s a stereotype that autistics have no humour.’
• ‘Socialising is not always easy, if I don’t want to join in, that’s my choice and I will avoid a situation if I am uncomfortable with it. I am not trying to be rude or impolite.’
• ‘I do have emotions; autistics are not emotionless like some stereotypes suggest. However, I may express them in a different way. What may make someone else cry, can be different for me, it doesn’t mean that I am an uncaring person. My facial expressions might not always reflect my emotions.’

This list was written by adults on the autism spectrum to educate people on the views and opinions of autistics. (From www.autism-help.org). To find out more information on autism please go to www.autismnz.org.nz

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by Ingrid Barratt (c) 'War Cry' magazine, 21 February 2015, pp5-7.
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