A life more colourful

When I was a child I went to Sunday school and believed in God. I had a relative, who was a uniformed Salvation Army soldier, and he molested me and my brother. I suspect he also abused many others —I mention it so they can be encouraged to come forward as well.

It’s bad enough when you’ve been abused as a child, but when that abuser is a church person, it has a deep, spiritual impact. When I was 13, I suddenly thought to myself, ‘I’ve seen the light. Church is bulls**t and everyone in it is a hypocrite.’ That started my journey away from the church for many years.

I began drinking as a young person. After what happened, I became quite withdrawn and shy, but by getting on the juice I could be exuberant and get swept away in the party atmosphere. In the early days it seemed quite fun, and there were no consequences. I was always careful, even though I was drunk, and I always hung out with other females because I was very wary of men.

But it was in my twenties that alcohol got a grip on me. It became an escape and an anesthetiser. I went to counselling for the abuse, and worked through that, but by then I was hooked on alcohol and I just couldn’t stop.

A life in crime

I trained and became a criminal lawyer, so I had a good job. I actually chose my career when I was working as a young person in Scotland, picking potatoes. It was a wintery and snowy night when I was walking home one night, and I saw a house with all its furniture on the front lawn in the snow. They were being evicted, and I thought, ‘You can’t do that to people.’ That’s when I realised the impact that the law can have on people’s lives.

The only area of law I ever wanted to work in was criminal law, because you’re working with people at the extremes of the human experience. My job helped to keep me in denial. I often referred clients to rehabilitation programmes such as The Salvation Army’s Addiction Services, and I thought to myself, ‘Well, I don’t have a drinking problem because I don’t break the law’. But I ignored the fact that I spent a fortune on dial-a-driver.

Hiding and seeking

I was a high functioning alcoholic. I separated from my husband when my two children were four and five years old. I kept my life compartmentalised: I had shared custody of my children, so I was able to hide my drinking from them. I had my job. And I had alcohol. I kept all these compartments of my life separate.

I got married again after being single for 10 years, and I tried to hide my drinking from my husband. We didn’t live together before we got married and I'd only get drunk when we weren’t together. But after we got married, it got worse and worse. I became an absentee wife—he would come home from work and I was already on the cups.

In my early 30s, I made friends with a girl who went to church, and I started going to church with her. At this church I heard about grace. At first I thought, ‘Grace—who’s Grace? There’s no book in the Bible called Grace’, that’s how little I knew. I missed church a lot because I was hung over, but I slowly learnt more about God’s love and mercy. I started to accept and believe in God again.

Despite my own background, I always admired The Salvation Army as a church that is there for those who are suffering. So I started—fairly irregularly—going to the corps (church) in Pukekohe. Through the Sallies I attended the Twelve Step programme, and I learnt so much. I actually got drunk while I was on the course and almost got expelled. I was completely mortified. But it was while doing these steps that I started to understand God better. I realised God is the only power great enough to restore us. Doctors can’t do it, humans can’t do it, and we certainly can’t restore ourselves. The amazing thing is that the 12 Steps are actually completely biblicallybased, and it’s a wonderful way to live.

I really liked Step Three, which is to ‘turn our will and our lives over to the care of God’. As much as I can, I turn my will over to God, because by my own will I self-destruct. Once I got home from the course, my drinking got a lot worse. I think that’s because once a bit of light gets into your soul, the darkness really tries to cling on—and that’s what happened.

Alice in Wonderland

My lifelong dream and passion has always been art. About six months after I started attending The Salvation Army, I decided to quit my job as a lawyer. My children had left home, so I felt that the time was right to pursue my dream of being an artist.

But with my children leaving home and my job finishing, the final handbrakes on my drinking were gone. Instead of doing art, I started drinking fulltime, from dawn to dusk. I could see my dream slipping away.

I counted it up recently, and I have literally tried to stop drinking a thousand times over 20 years. Every couple of weeks I would try and stop, and the longest I ever went without a drink was 20 days. I thought that if I could go without a drink for three weeks, I would prove to myself that I wasn’t an alcoholic. I managed it twice, and when I got to day 20, I thought: ‘Close enough—let’s celebrate!’

But I finally realised that I was never going to pick up a paintbrush if I didn’t get help. So I booked myself into The Salvation Army’s Addiction Services. Although you can go as a day client, I knew that I would never make it without being in the residential programme. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me. They were very supportive, encouraging and professional. They have counsellors and the 12 Steps, and all the tools are there for you to learn from.

I also learnt more deeply about grace at Addiction Services. Like the hymn says, it really is amazing grace for a wretch like me.Alcoholics personify wretchedness: you look a wretch, you feel like
a wretch and you act like a wretch. You feel so underserving of any help. Then when you get help, you are given this grace that you so don’t deserve and it’s amazing; it’s amazing grace. 

I can honestly say that since I stopped drinking it’s been the happiest time of my life, without a single doubt. The Salvation Army saved my life!

A life more colourful

I love art because, to me, it’s the ultimate expression of creativity. It definitely connects me to God because he’s the ultimate artist and creator. He’s a gazillion Picassos rolled into one—colour is something God invented, and each colour has a meaning. When God was creating this world, he must have had a whole lot of fun.

Currently, I am branching out and getting into mixed media. I am quite fascinated by paper crafts, vintage and texture, and I love to have texture in anything I do. I have been working with moulding paste, and I love a bit of shimmy and shine, so I’m using opal dust and iridescent paste. I get so excited because there is so much to learn.

Sometimes when I’m doing some artwork, I say a little prayer and ask God to work through me and have a little fun through me. I think God must love playing with us when we’re being creative.

Every week, I lead art classes at Addiction Services, which really helps me in my recovery, and I have been told that it really helps them too. Creativity can really help bring healing.

I attend The Salvation Army’s Recovery Church, and it’s somewhere I feel extremely accepted. It’s where I feel like I’m at home. Earlier this year, I also attended the Twelve Steps programme again—this time I didn’t get drunk, and I learnt so much more!

At church, I help with the Home League, who I like to call my ‘golden girls’. They are a group of women between 65 and 90, and I’ve become very attached to them. I have made friends with an English woman called Ruby, who really inspires me. At the age of 75 she decided to start a new life in New Zealand.

For her 90th birthday, she wanted to jump out of a plane and go sky diving. I was terrified, but I went with her. It was a really fabulous experience. I broke my leg when we landed—but it was worth it! Ruby teaches me that you are never lost; it is never too late to start again and live life to the full.

Reality bites

After 27 months without a drink, I had a relapse. Relapse isn’t just the event of picking up a drink; it’s actually a process and a series of events that may seem unrelated.

For me, it took about 14 weeks, and it was an accumulation of things. I started drifting a bit, and that ‘addiction voice’—or the ‘father of all lies’—starts saying, ‘You’ve been deprived, you could be having all this fun and excitement’. Then, if you are feeling vulnerable—like they say, Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT)—and you get yourself into a high-risk situation where there is alcohol, you’re a goner. And that’s what happened to me.

I drank for 24 hours and it had a horrific effect it on me—I thought I was going to die, and was in bed for four days. My first instinct was to hide and not tell anyone. But the humility of reaching out is part of the healing, and keeping humble is part of what will keep you safe. Pride will trip you up. So I phoned Addiction Services and they supported me through it.

They actually asked me to speak at Recovery Church about it—so God even used that relapse. I’m so grateful that God can use everything I’ve been through to serve him. God saved my life, so giving back to him is least that I can do.

As told to Ingrid Barratt

Has this happened to you?

The Salvation Army condemns any type of abuse, especially toward children. If abuse has happened to you in a Salvation Army corps (church) or social service, we would like to know about it so we can help you heal. If this is you, please use the contact information supplied at www.salvationarmy.org.nz/complaints

Need help?

If you have a problem with alcohol, drug or gambling addiction, we can help you. Please contact us at www.salvationarmy.org.nz/addictions