Loves Me Not

In 2008, Lesley Elliott lived every parent’s nightmare when her daughter, Sophie, was murdered by an ex-boyfriend. This year, Lesley won the Women of Influence Awards, for her campaign to educate young people about the signs of partner abuse. ‘It’s all for Sophie, she’s what keeps me going,’ says Lesley.

Lesley Elliott’s name is indelibly linked to tragedy. But when we speak, it’s immediately apparent that she is bright, articulate and outgoing. Her words spill out over each other like a white water rapid. She is what is you might call ‘bubbly’.

It reminds me of what I have read about her daughter, the beautiful 22-year-old Sophie Elliott, who has been remembered as bright, vivacious, highly intelligent and ‘with a love for life’. ‘Like mother, like daughter,’ I can’t help thinking. Lesley is clearly living beyond the labels that news reports attract. Rather than someone living with tragedy, she seems like someone living with a purpose.

Sophie’s Story

It all began—and ended—on a day that has become engraved in our public consciousness. Sophie had just finished her first class Honours Degree in Economics at Otago University, and had secured a sought-after role at Treasury. That day, 9 January 2008, Sophie was packing to leave for Wellington and was preparing to meet friends for a final farewell dinner.

Her ex-boyfriend, Clayton Weatherston, unexpectedly came by the house, saying he had something for Sophie. Lesley reluctantly let him in—she had never liked their relationship, and was pleased that it was over. Lesley listened carefully as Clayton and Sophie talked in her room. Then, she heard a terrifying scream. Lesley tried to knock down the locked door, but to no avail. Calling 111, she jimmied the lock, still hearing the terrifying sounds from within. When Lesley managed to get the door open, her daughter was lying dead. She had been stabbed 216 times.

That was almost seven years ago. When I ask Lesley what she remembers most about that day, her answer surprises me: ‘The nice thing that stands out—and I’ll probably cry here—is that Sophie was upstairs putting on makeup and packing, and I said, “Are you going out?” With that, I promptly burst into tears, and I said, “I’m really going to miss you, Soph.” And she said, “Mum, I’m really going to miss you, too.’ And she gave me a hug. It feels like that was some kind of destiny, to have that last hug.’

During the extensive news coverage at the time, Sophie’s killer was arguably the most hated man in New Zealand. His lack of remorse bordered on smugness, and he was diagnosed with Narcissist Personality Disorder. When Lesley refers to Weatherston, she prefers to simply say ‘him’. ‘I’ve had a lot of counselling, so I don’t dwell too much on it. I don’t think about him very much; he’s quite faceless to me,’ says Lesley ‘I think people out there hate him more than I do.’

But she adds that after seven years, it still hurts deeply: ‘It doesn’t go away, I still have a meltdown at least once a day, and I still miss her so much.’ Her husband and two sons also continue to grieve in their own way.

Seeing the signs

Which, perhaps, makes it even more significant that Lesley has been able to achieve so much, out of such tragedy.

Since Sophie’s death, Lesley has made it her life’s work to educate other young people about the signs of abuse in relationships. ‘Why is it so easy to miss the signs? I’m reasonably intelligent, and yet Sophie and I missed the signs,’ says Lesley.

It was soon after Sophie’s death that Lesley found an abuse checklist on the Women’s Refuge website, and was shocked to discover that Sophie exhibited almost all the signs of abuse. ‘If we had recognised the signs, Sophie could still be alive today,’ recalls Lesley. ‘I naively looked on abuse as being hit—and he didn’t hit her. I didn’t like his behaviour, but I didn’t see it as abuse.’ (Weatherston did assault Sophie after they broke up, just 10 days before he killed her.)

Weatherston often called Sophie names, saying that the delicately-framed young woman was ‘fat and ugly’. He also played power games—refusing to call her back, or texting at 11 pm and insisting Sophie go out with him. His behaviour was volatile: ‘One day he’d be fine, and the next day, he’d be awful.’

There was a huge power imbalance in their relationship— Weatherston was over 10 years older, and a tutor for one of the university papers that Sophie took. But instead of using the position to favour Sophie, Weatherston actually tried to fail her, despite her being a clear high achiever.

He was also controlling sexually, and Lesley remembers Sophie saying, ‘Maybe I’m not sexy enough for him.’ ‘She always blamed herself,’ says Lesley.

Sophie often covered up for Weatherston, minimising his behaviour and telling Lesley it ‘wasn’t really that bad’. Looking back, Lesley says Sophie’s personality played right into his hands. ‘She was always the first to say sorry and hated having conflict with anyone.’

Almost as soon as Sophie started going out with Weatherston, she became much more emotional and insecure. But Lesley put it down to the stressful time Sophie was having, working very hard as an A+ student, coming to the end of her studies, working at a photo shop in the weekends and enjoying a full social life. The psychological abuse she suffered was subtle enough that it was hard to name.

Loves me not

Lesley’s work over several years has come to fruition with the development of a national school programme, in partnership with the Police and the Ministry of Social Development. The programme, called ‘Loves Me Not’, is accompanied by a book of the same name.

Following up the book she co-authored with William J. O’Brien called Sophie’s Legacy, their new book focuses on the signs of abuse. The authors collated the wealth of research available on the signs and prevention of abuse, as well as talking to school counsellors. The book also includes a chapter titled ‘One for the Boys’ from well-known clinical psychologist, Nigel Latta. Written for a teenage audience, Loves Me Not offers clear, easy-to-read signs and relationship tips. Zonta, an organisation aimed at advancing the status of women, has pledged to make the initial print run of 4000 available free to everyone who does the course.

In her research, Lesley found the social media landscape ‘mindblowing’. Online socialising has taken on a much more serious, sometimes malicious, identity. ‘The amount of relationships developed on Facebook is mind-boggling,’ she says. ‘Young people will say and do things they would never do face-to-face, and they’re not developing the skills to face difficulties in real relationships.’

She also warns young people about how online communication can be manipulated. During the court trial, Weatherston’s defence team detailed a digital diary entry of Sophie’s, where she describes a difficult argument with an ex-boyfriend. They used that to slur Sophie’s character, and Lesley still smarts about such a private thought being used so publicly and out-of-context.

The day-long Loves Me Not programme, aimed at Year 12 students, begins with a discussion about what makes a ‘good’ relationship and what makes a ‘bad’ relationship. Then they go over several different scenarios, discussing questions such as: ‘If a girl is wearing provocative clothing, is she asking for it?’ and ‘If someone has been drinking and had drugs, can they give their consent to sex?’ Lesley has found that ‘there is a lot of confusion among young people about what consent means’.

Her message to young people is: ‘If it feels unsafe, then it probably is. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t right.’ Lesley is often surprised by the messages young people are receiving about relationships. ‘One young guy went up to the Police officer at lunch time and said, “My dad biffs my mum around the ear all the time, I thought that’s what guys did.” ’

The initial programme has had a hugely positive response from young people, and Lesley’s inbox is full of letters from parents as well. ‘I had one parent write and say, “We’ve been telling my daughter that her relationship isn’t right, and she’s been covering up for him. But through your programme she has understood and is stepping away.” ’ Another parent wrote in to say that her non-communicative 16-year-old son spent an hour explaining the programme and what he had learnt. ‘This is so, so important, and why I am such a supporter of White Ribbon Day,’ says Lesley. ‘Because it has to be guys standing up with other guys and saying, “This is not right.” ’

A woman of influence

This year, Lesley was named Supreme Winner of the Women of Influence Awards. Yet she insists that she is still a nurse and a mother first—still working part-time in her profession, as well as juggling speaking commitments. ‘It is bittersweet because I would rather have Sophie here. But if it means that no other parent has to experience what we have experienced, and no other person has to experience abuse, than Sophie and I have succeeded.’

It is Sophie, says Lesley, who keeps her going when the times get tough. ‘Sophie is here. There have been times when I’ve wanted to give up, but then I’ll get a sign and it’s like Sophie saying, “Keep going, Mum.” Sophie was a person that would take up issues, and she felt strongly about a lot of things, so I feel like I am doing this for her life. This programme is Sophie’s legacy.’

Lesley feels she has ‘almost accomplished’ what she set out to do. All the research indicates that education is the biggest factor for preventing abusive relationships, so Loves Me Not is a landmark programme for New Zealand. ‘I know it has already saved lives,’ says Lesley. ‘I am 100 per cent certain that if Sophie had done this course, she would still be with us today.’

But she acknowledges there is still a long road ahead before we become a less violent nation. ‘A lot of it is going to be generational, and I won’t be around to see it. But I hope that the kids that are doing the programme now will make a difference in the future.’

As the years wear on, Lesley and her family reflect on where life would have taken Sophie. She would have been 29 by now. Sophie always said that at 30, she would give up economics for photography, and she wanted to be married with children.

Lesley often experiences comforting signs that she believes signify Sophie’s presence with her. One is fantails, which appear out of nowhere and seem to be Sophie keeping her company. ‘She was a passionate photographer. We went to Punakaiki and out of the flaxbush flew a fantail. It hovered near me and I just said, “Oh, Sophie, you would have loved it here, you would have been taking so many photos.” ’

‘I believe in life-after-death and I know I’m going to see Sophie, because I want to put a few things right with her,’ reflects Lesley. ‘It’s Sophie that keeps me going every day.’

---

by Ingrid Barratt (c) 'War Cry' magazine, 15 November 2014, pp5-7.
You can read 'War Cry' at your nearest Salvation Army church or centre, or subscribe through Salvationist Resources.

How healthy is your relationship?

What to look out for, from Loves Me Not by Lesley Elliott.

Power and control: How equal is your relationship? How much control does the other person have over you? An age difference doesn’t indicate an unequal relationship, but research suggests that if a partner is prone to abusive behaviour, age difference can be a factor. All of Weatherston’s girlfriends were at least 10 years younger than him.

Confusing communication: Does your partner switch between loving and derogatory remarks? How stable and reliable is their communication? Do they use non-communication to maintain power in the relationship? In a healthy relationship, you and your partner should be able to communicate equally.

Threats and entitlements: These traits can be quite subtle. If they feel entitled, they may believe they should receive special treatment and act selfishly. Threats can be made towards you, your family, your pets, or even towards themselves, and are aimed at making you comply with their wishes.

Psychological abuse: This is often the most difficult to spot as it involves ‘mind games’, name-calling, manipulation and self-centredness. If Weatherston had physically assaulted Sophie, says Lesley, ‘I’ve no doubt that Sophie would have been out of there fast … it’s the slow build-up of abusive behaviour that’s so confusing.’

Physical abuse: Any physical threats are abusive. Sophie and Weatherston had broken up when he physically assaulted her, putting his hand over her mouth and arm across her throat. She didn’t go to the Police because she wanted to put it all behind her.

Sexual abuse: This can range from demeaning words, to unwanted touching and forcing you to behave in ways you don’t want to.

Be an ethical bystander: After Sophie died, her friends said they never liked her relationship—and nor did Lesley. But we often feel powerless to get involved in other people’s relationships. If you feel uncomfortable, be an ethical bystander. If it is difficult to speak directly to those involved, go to a school counsellor or someone with the authority to step in gently. If everything’s alright, no harm done —but you could be saving a life.