Can I break up with a friend?

I’m in a friendship I find draining, and I really want to put some distance between us, but can I ‘break up’ with a friend?

At their best, friendships are life-giving. We need friends who ‘get us’, who we can confide in and who can share the burdens of life. Sometimes, though, one person will be getting all their needs met, while the other feels they are doing all the ‘giving’. It sounds like you are in this position.

In our avoidant culture, we often jump to cutting people off rather than doing the hard yards and trying to repair the friendship. So before you decide to break the friendship off, clarify to yourself what is draining about the friendship. Honestly assess whether it is their issue, or whether it is triggering some issue in your life? Or, very likely, it’s a bit of both.

Once you have clarified this, it’s time to set some clearer boundaries. This may cause tension at first—no one likes to be confronted—so keep it gentle and empathetic. It may mean having a difficult conversation: discussing how much time and energy you can give, or any hurts between you. But if you and your friend can adjust your boundaries, it will strengthen your friendship over time.

If your friend cannot accept these new boundaries, and things are becoming unhealthy for you, you may indeed decide you need to ‘break up’. If your friend lies, gossips or betrays your trust, there may be good reasons for moving on. Forgive, but maintain your boundaries.

Mostly, though, keep in mind that from a biblical perspective, friendships are always concerned with others’ needs. Jesus was a great model of friendship: he was able to guide and strengthen his friends—and in return, was vulnerable and open with them. In this way, they gained mutual support from each other.

Often, the people who become our closest, most treasured allies are not the easiest of friendships, but the ones that have survived the hardest of times.

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by Ingrid Barratt(c) 'War Cry' magazine, 2 April 2016, pp 9.
You can read 'War Cry' at your nearest Salvation Army church or centre, or subscribe through Salvationist Resources.