How to say sorry

We’re great at saying sorry when we bump into someone on a crowded street, so why is it so hard to say sorry for our real mistakes?

If someone runs into you on the street, you’re very likely to say ‘sorry’ (for their mistake). As a culture we say sorry a lot—even when it’s not our fault. It’s a politeness strategy that has its place in calming what could be a confrontational situation.

But what we’re not so good at is saying sorry when we are actually at fault. Despite the fact that we repeatedly tell our children to say sorry for their mistakes, we often find it difficult to translate that into our adult relationships.

Apologising is difficult because it takes large doses of vulnerability—when we ask someone else to show us forgiveness, we are facing the possibility of rejection. Saying sorry may bring up feelings of humiliation. Or we may equate saying sorry with losing power or status—saying sorry makes us the ‘loser’, and the other person the ‘winner’.

Apologising also means coming out of denial and admitting responsibility. Which is why we so often water down our apologies by saying, ‘Sorry you feel that way’, or ‘Sorry, but ...’. These aren’t real apologies, because we’re still deflecting responsibility and failing to admit fault.

‘Apologies aren’t supposed to be easy. They are supposed to be soul-baring. That’s why, when done right, they are so powerful and rehabilitative,’ says psychotherapist Dr Rubi Ludwig. ‘It’s hard to admit that we’ve hurt someone’s feelings or caused someone pain, whether it’s intentional or not. It’s also hard to see ourselves in a less-than-positive light. It requires taking o the blinders we wear and facing our flaws.’

A recent study by Ohio State University found that the key to an eective apology is fully accepting our fault and offering to repair the damage.

Researchers found six key elements important to an apology:

1. Express your regret.

2. Explain of what went wrong.

3. Acknowledge your responsibility.

4. Make a declaration of repentance.

5. Make an offer of repair.

6. Request forgiveness.

For an apology to have real meaning, words must be followed by action. We’ve heard the phrase ‘talk is cheap’—learning from your mistakes and changing the behaviour that hurt someone is what will make your apology the best thing you ever did.

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By Ingrid Barratt (c) 'War Cry' magazine, 29 October 2016, pp 10
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