Married at First Sight

As the controversial TV show Married at First Sight hits our screens, we look at a real life arranged marriage and ask, ‘who has got it right—them or us?’

The second series of the Aussie hit show Married at First Sight has hit our screens, and is again a ratings winner. As the title suggests, the show arranges marriages between four Aussie couples—all complete strangers—who only meet at the wedding ceremony.

But in a very Western twist, it is not family who make the match, but a ‘scientific’ team that includes a psychologist, neuro-scientist and marriage counsellor. Australian law does not allow the couples to undertake a legally binding marriage—although in the original Danish programme couples do legally wed, as well as in many other countries around the world that have picked up the TV franchise.

To our eyes, the concept may seem outrageous—even undermining the sanctity of marriage—but for much of the world an arranged marriage is simply the norm.

Leslie D’Mello, who works for The Salvation Army’s Youth Department, will be celebrating 20 years of marriage to his wife, Kim, next year. They met only once before making the decision to get married. ‘The first physical contact we ever had was when my wife put the wedding ring on my finger,’ laughs Leslie.

There is an important distinction between arranged marriage—where the couple both have a say in the decision to marry—and mandated marriage—where someone is forced into marriage. Arranged marriages have a stunningly high success rate in India—where it’s estimated up to 80 per cent of marriages are arranged—only one in 100 end in divorce. It’s tempting to dismiss this as a reflection of cultural pressures, but that is too simplistic.

As Psychologist Dr Utpal Dholakia says, ‘Relinquishing choice, deciding quickly and lower expectations,’ may be the key to making marriage work.

Arranged marriage is a very logical decision that allows feelings to grow out of mutual compatibility, agrees Leslie. There is far greater support for couples, and far less pressure.

Leslie was 30 when he decided he was ready for marriage: ‘Indians have the luxury of deciding when they are ready,’ he explains. ‘In my twenties, I told my mum, “No, I’m not ready”. I focused on serving in ministries like church and an orphanage, I bought a house. I had 10 years to work out what I wanted in a wife.’

Once he was ready, Leslie had the assurance that his community would come together to find a match. ‘It’s very difficult to stay single in India,’ he laughs.

It was a visiting pastor to Leslie’s church who became his matchmaker. ‘The pastor told me that he knew a girl in Mumbai who was ready for marriage, and would I be interested in meeting her?’

A few mornings later, Leslie got on the train and met his future wife for the first time at a café near a crowded Mumbai railway station —accompanied by the pastor who introduced them, and Kim’s brother.

After this meeting, the decision was made via a phone call—they only met a few more times, to organise the wedding ceremony. ‘It’s a very logical decision,’ explains Leslie. ‘The beauty of arranged marriage is that you put all your cards on the table and lay out your expectations.’

As part of Leslie’s requirements, he wanted someone who had a tertiary degree, and was willing to live overseas. A rock‘n’roll fan, he didn’t want someone who was big into Bollywood music. Kim’s desire was to marry a missionary, and she was happy to be the main breadwinner (unusual in India). In ‘love marriages’, we overlook these seemingly trivial issues which often become sore points in marriage, says Leslie.

When making arrangements, you can specify requirements such as height, weight and colour. It’s common to ask for a medical certificate as part of the arrangements. But a big difference between Western love matches and arranged marriage, is that physical attraction is not a major influence. ‘In 10 years’ time, I know my wife will still have a degree, but I don’t know what she’ll look like. So what makes you gravitate towards someone is not the physical, but their long-lasting qualities and attributes.’

You can even discuss each other’s’ weaknesses: ‘In a love marriage, your feelings blind you to each other’s weaknesses. But with arranged marriage, you know the negatives going in—as a simple example, Kim knew I wasn’t willing to relocate to Mumbai.’

Marriage in India is very much a community effort. It is not two people who come together, it is two families. ‘One of the secrets of a really successful arranged marriage is the support network. In a love marriage, you make an independent decision and are on your own, but in an arranged marriage, your family has been involved in the beginning.

‘If Kim was having a problem with me, she would have every right to go to my mum for help … But I hear so many young people in New Zealand saying, “If only we’d had someone to talk to”.

‘The foundations we build our marriages on are very different in arranged marriage,’ sums up Leslie. ‘Love and marriage are two different things. The love you might have when you’re dating is very different from the love you have in marriage as kids come along, and the mortgage starts coming out.

‘We love the person first, and then we fall in love. I would say I love my wife more now than ever before.’

It seems arranged marriages work because the commitment comes first. For it to work well, both parties need to honour each others’ expectations, communicate openly, show mutual respect, kindness, and have a willingness to make it work.

But isn’t that true of love marriages as well? It may be emotion, rather than logic, that brings us together. But it is only commitment and determination that will keep us together. Perhaps it’s not how we marry that matters, but how we live out our married lives.

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by Ingrid Barratt (c) 'War Cry' magazine, 30 April 2016, pp 10-11
You can read 'War Cry' at your nearest Salvation Army church or centre, or subscribe through Salvationist Resources.

Lessons from arranged marriage

The wisdom found in arranged marriage can help us make our love marriage work:

• Use your head: If you’re single, use your head not just your heart, to choose a life partner. Looks will change, but shared values and dreams will build a firm foundation for your marriage.
• Lay out your expectations: If you are married, communicate your needs or wants openly, gently and respectfully. If you are single, know what you are looking for in a partner—focusing on long-lasting qualities.
• Involve your support network: Our individualistic society is crippling to relationships. No two people can make a relationship work on their own. If you are single, ask friends and family to help you find love—being clear about what you want in a partner. If you’re married, find someone with wisdom to confide in. Similarly, reach out to other married couples who may need your care.
• Be intentional: Ultimately, what will make marriage work is a commitment to make it work. Make room for each other, don’t let resentment build, and never stop getting to know each other.
• Don’t rely on feelings: In a love marriage we often rely on the flimsiest of evidence, our feelings. Instead, rely on wisdom and truth—even when your feelings contradict them.
• Know you have choices: If you have made a choice of selecting the love of your life, make choices of how your marriage will work—you are never stuck in a situation you can’t get out of. It will always take two of you to honour your vows.