Would you have work done?

‘Would you have work done?’ It was a topic that came up one night at an office job, when we were having Friday night nibbles. Because we thought we were the cast from Sex and the City (‘work, of course, meant cosmetic surgery).

‘Definitely.’
‘Hmmm, I don’t know about the pain.’
‘What’s wrong with wrinkles? Why are we so scared of aging?!’

That last one was me and my big mouth. I was received with an embarrassed silence, and immediately knew I had said something wildly inappropriate. It was as if I had announced I was ‘saving myself for marriage’ in a room full of hardbitten journalists. I know this because I did that once. And I was getting the same awkward throatclearing response now.

That was the moment when I realised how profoundly scared our culture is of aging. Questioning it is like exposing a well-kept secret. We’re desperately trying to cover up the symptoms—getting ‘work’ done, or at least smothering ourselves with anti-aging creams— rather than sitting with the truth: we will get old. We will not always be beautiful. And … we will die.

I am not putting myself above the fray. As a 40-something I’m still a rookie when it comes to aging, and I have all the same insecurities as anyone. But I have been given a gift in knowing Jesus, because he allows me to glimpse life through a different lens.

In his book Falling Upward, Richard Rohr observes that we are a ‘first half of life culture’ —that stage when we are establishing our identity through our work, home, relationships and community. It’s an ego phase of life, occupied with proving our worth. The Greek word ‘persona’ means ‘stage mask’. And as a culture, we seem to be stuck on stage—which is why it is so terrifying when the wrinkles start to appear, and the mask starts to slip.

But if we allow ourselves to embrace the second phase of life, we have the opportunity to discover the ‘task within the task’—to shed the mask and see ourselves as we really are, not as we want to be seen. This is a time when we can reflect on our motivations and purify our intentions.

Rohr calls it ‘shadow-boxing’: wrestling with those parts of ourselves we prefer to keep in the shadows, unseen by both ourselves and others. When people are brave enough to wrestle with their shadow, they realise they ‘do not need to be perfectly right, and they know they cannot be anyway, so they just try to be in right relationship. In other words, they try above all else to be loving,’ says Rohr. ‘Such people have met the enemy and know that the major enemy is “me” … shadow work literally saves you from yourself, your false self.’

The second stage of life does not happen by accident. There are certainly young people who wrestle with their shadows. And older people who do not. Many who grow old simply become more enmeshed with their mask.

Do you find yourself holding on to status, or angry that others don’t see things your way? You have some shadow work to do. Do you desire to embrace everyone with the love you have found? You have truly become an elder. Those wrinkles of yours radiate beauty.

---

by Ingrid Barratt (c) 'War Cry' magazine, 29 July 2017, pp3
You can read 'War Cry' at your nearest Salvation Army church or centre, or subscribe through Salvationist Resources.