Will she change her ways?

Dear Q&A, I’ve been married 15 years and my wife still won’t close the cupboard doors. How can I get her to change?

Probably the most practical solution to your conundrum is that you could take off the cupboard doors. Then again, the mess inside the doors will probably make you feel just as grumpy. What is the biggest problem here: open cupboard doors, or your reaction to them?

I can hear your answer: ‘It’s the cupboard doors!’ Well, you’re not alone in your suffering. A poll of couples found that closing doors is one of the most common reasons for bickering—along with other important issues like, ‘someone is snoring’, ‘clothes are left on the stairs’, and ‘what to eat for dinner’. Considering all this, it’s perhaps not surprising that the number one reason for bickering was ‘not listening’.

Experts agree it’s not so much about what frustrates you; it’s how you handle it. If you attack, it will put your partner on the defensive. Making your point more and more loudly is not an effective strategy. Bitter and abusive arguments, as well as ‘the silent treatment’, are very destructive to relationships. Instead, try a ‘soft start’—this means bringing up the subject without blame, attacking or putting your partner on the defensive.

You are entitled to ask that bad habits change, and you can respectfully bring this up with your partner. But temper this with large doses of grace.

The answer to your question, ‘How can I get her to change?’ is probably: ‘You can’t.’ Habits like not closing doors are a mixture of personality, family upbringing, habit, forgetfulness and simply ‘being human’. I suspect you have quirks that frustrate your wife, too—like your baffling obsession with closing doors.

Learning to be gracious and patient with each other (or ‘long-suffering’, to use a biblical term) and to speak kindly in all our day-to-day frustrations is the mystery and beauty of marriage.

So, finally, expect to spend quite a bit more time closing doors behind her.